Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
