Non-Jews are for practice
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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