I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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