gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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