Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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