wakey wakey hands off snakey
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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