If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
