Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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