well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
