I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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