I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
