So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
