new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
sarcasm needs its own font
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
