Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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