this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
