i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
