we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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