Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
