I look better un-naked...
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
