So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
there is puke in my bra ... again
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
