just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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