you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
