my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he puts the penis in happiness.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
not ubering you a puppy
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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