I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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