Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
