You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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