Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
