I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Randomize
