I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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