Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
