Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
