No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
