I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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