If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
