Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
