i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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