So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
