Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
