Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
