I wish I could teleport
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
