went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
