i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Couch. On fire.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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