I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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