If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
