No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
