How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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