So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
