On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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