The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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