Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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