I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
