hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
